Oh, the Places You'll Go

Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Done.

2011-05-10T12:11:00.000-07:00

Post from Saturday, 20 May 2006

i have been tagged by... dianaaaaaaaaaaaa
*Rules of the Game:
[1]. The tagged victim must come up with 10 different points of someone they find attractive
[1]. 10 different points of someone i find attractive
- has to make me laugh.. alot
- christian, of course
- smart, but not condescending
- can be serious and honest when it comes down to it
- devoted and faithful (not just to me, but to family, friends, God)
- understanding and forgiving
- masculine.. tooooo sensitive can be a turn off
- caring and considerate.. able to express their appreciation for others
- comfortable with others and himself (but not cocky. not insecure and awkward)
- loves children and is good father material

Overcoming Homeostasis through Adaptation.

2011-05-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

here's one of my favorite xanga entries -- from December 11, 2006.

so, i wrote this down lonnnnng time ago and ive been meaning to post it but hadnt gotten around to it, so.. here it is!

and okay. i do admit that this is one of the nerdiest xanga post titles ever, but .. bear with the biological terminology. i swear it will make some sense.

HOMEOSTASIS - the body's tendency to maintain a stable, constant condition

homeostasis is basically what keeps our bodies functioning properly. it's what keeps our blood from boiling over when a fever attacks. it's what takes away the drowsiness of the night as we study for midterms and finals. it's even what makes the extreme urge to poo temporarily disappear when there is no toilet to be found.

however, homeostasis is one of my worst enemies. you might be thinking, "what in the world is joan talking about! we probably would have died and fallen apart with every bacterial infection, every measly paper cut, knee scrape, even a surge of great emotion." but no, i understand the absolute necessity for it in the physical sense, but what i speak of isbeyond the physical sense.

so many times, as Christians, we desire something greater. a stronger bond with God. our hearts and minds know and long for it, but we can't seem to pull our bodies in line with our broken hearts.

we see the solution, we want it, we strive for it, and though it may last a day, a week, maybe even a couple of months, soon, homeostasis takes its effect as it always seems to do. it makes us want to revert back to normalcy. our bodies naturally want to go back to a regular, uninterrupted life of sin.

we always hear it, "read the word. pray constantly. keep building your faith." and the list goes on. in response to it, we often respond with nods and attitudes of repentance.. or anger.. or unfortunately, indifference.

it sounds simple enough: read, pray, believe... but why is it so hard? i blame the homeostasis within each and every one of us for our forgetfulness, for our apathy, our lack of devotion. our bodies desperately want to keep sinning. we've been doing it our whole lives and nature tells us it's okay. we crave it. we take pleasure in it. not sinning just isn't as fun, so, we do it. thus, we fail God.

so this is where adaptation comes into play.
ADAPTATION- a process where organisms evolve over a period of time by natural selection, increasing long term success.

i believe that the reason why we constantly fall back into our regular lifestyles is because we try to fight homeostasis as our only enemy. what we forget is that we must first deal with adaptation. Once adaptation takes place, our old homeostasis levels elevate to new heights where we can more successfully live life for God.

we are sinners by nature and we always will be. if we try to adapt and improve on our own, we will always burn out, falling prey to homeostasis over and over again. but there is hope. jesus gives us grace. he gives us the hope of genuine adaptation. he mercifully gives us a chance to escape our vicious, corrupted cycles of homeostasis. we can overcome homeostasis through the adaptation that only God can grant when we earnestly seek him.

so instead of constantly trying to change what we do (homeostasis), we must change our hearts, our mindsets (adaptation) and soon homeostasis falls in line. and of course that sounds just as hard, if not more, but God is always there to guide... just ask for help

Jeremiah 29:10-14

2011-01-17T15:17:00.000-08:00

This what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place.

For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.'

Parenthood on Parenting

2011-01-14T15:01:00.000-08:00

Mom (Sarah Braverman, Lauren Graham):

Do you ever worry so much about something bad happening to me that you stomped out my fire by accident?

Grandma (Camille Braverman):

We all try to protect our kids. It's what we do, then they grow up and we can't protect them anymore.

And you'd save yourself a lot of grief if you'd accept that fact. I mean, we can be there for them, but you can't protect them. I think it's one of the toughest things about being a parent.

Sarah Braverman to her daughter, Amber:

When you have kids, if you have kids, there's something you should know --very confusing thing that they don't tell you.

You see so much of yourself in them, you see your ironic take on the world, you see your smile, your walk, your sense of humor, whatever..

And you think they're you.

But they're not you.

And they shouldn't have all of your baggage, your fear, and your insecurity, and your life experience and that's not fair, they have their own.

New Mantra for 2011

2011-01-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

My new year's motto for 2010 was "Nothing tastes as good as skinny." Yes, it was a great motivational tool, but after a while, things did taste better than skinny, so as you can suspect, the value of that statement faded with time.

But thank to my rimz, I have found my new and improved mantra for 2011:

"Keep intake to levels that will support exercise but not body fat."

Much more realistic, practical, and healthy.

This is the year!

Redefining Single

2010-12-17T02:27:00.000-08:00

'Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you, now it means you're pretty sexy and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with'

-Kim Cattrall on Sex and the City

Chronological Snobbery

2010-10-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a sermon series by Mark Driscoll called Peasant Princess and it is really good. I highly recommend it. I listened to part 4 (His Garden) last night and something he spoke about really resonated with me, so here it is.

He highlights 1 Kings 11:1-13, where Solomon's heart turns from God and he builds temples and high places for his wives. When we read that, because we don't know the history and context of those other religious groups, it becomes easy to think little of it.

So here's the skinny:

The temple for Ashteroth were poles of worship - male phallic symbols where people would gather to have orgies and do all sorts of sexually deviant acts.
He also built a temple for the god of the Moabites, Chemosh, which required regular child sacrifice (think back to Ruth).
And more temples for the god of the Ammonites, Molech, which required child sacrifice by fire -burning your children to death.

Mind you, this was Solomon, the builder of the temple of the Lord.

This man was richer than Bill Gates,
Smarter than Albert Einstein,
More spiritually influential than the pope,
More politically powerful than the president,
And he had a harem that makes Hugh Hefner's look junior varsity.

Now we may read that and think, those people were disgusting, horrible! But be very careful of chronological snobbery, as C.S. Lewis calls it. Statistically, we slaughter far more children than Molech and Chemosh EVER did. They called it worship, we call it "choice."

We don't have the moral high ground. We slaughtered far more children in the worship of sex than they ever did. If you walk away from God, you are capable of anything, even the murder of your own child.

After marrying his 300 non-believing wives, his heart turned from God and look at the sins he was capable of.

Carry yourself with fear and sobriety. We may look at disgustedly at Solomon's 1000-woman harem, but lust is a matter of the heart. You could have a harem on your computer or stored away in your mind. Are you that much better?

We (I) must be very careful. Chronological snobbery and moral high grounds are very easy and dangerous ways to give yourself a false sense of righteousness. We must always look deeper to understand the fullness of the Word. It can be painfully sobering.

1,2,3,4 I declare thumb war

2010-09-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

1. I am sooo jetlaggeddd

2. I just bought a suit for interviews -yay

3. Why is it so cold in California already!

4. It goes without saying - I miss the kids at House of Sarang.

5,6,7,8 try to keep your thumb straight.

Courage

2010-07-21T02:34:00.001-07:00

"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.

From now on, you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. They key is to allow yourself to make the journey."

-Princess Diaries

God can speak through Disney movies too.

UPDATE on post below:

2010-07-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

Twas not a matter of quality, but a matter of skill.

I bought Nestle and had a go at melting it, and failed because I tried winging it.

Must follow directions and not memory.

Turns out I was overheating both chocolates.

So, lesson: QUANTITY STILL RULES. HAHAH

Quality vs. Quantity

2010-07-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

I've always grown up being a quantity girl, constantly falling for clearance prices and deals, clipping coupons and reveling in Costco wholesale items. But as I get older, I definitely see how wasteful it can be. And in some cases, I truly learn the lesson that quality really can be more important than quantity.

I don't think I'll ever fully leave my quantity-loving ways, but today I was sorely disappointed with my decision to buy cheap.

As you probably know, I love to bake and honestly, I often buy cheap ingredients and it tastes perfectly fine. But the other day, I bought cheap Kroger brand chocolate chips for baking (Nestle choc chips were double the price) and I wanted to make my own choc-covered honey-twist pretzels. (Doesn't that sound delicious?? I thought so too. But Kroger failed me.)

I proceeded to melt the chocolate chips in the same way I always do, but it was NOT becoming a silky smoooth delicious brown as it normally should. Instead it was a grainy, undippable glob.

Cheap chocolate = crap. (It literally looked like poop on a stick.)

Next time, I gotta stick with the good stuff. Nes-lay To-louse. ;) Definitely worth the extra money.

In the case of the melting of chocolate chips, may the ruling show that quality truly trumps quantity.

THREE at 3:33

2010-06-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

3 more chapters of OChem to cover

3 more weeks til my DATs

3 more days until toy story threeee

Alice in Wonderland - Jabberwocky

2010-06-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

I just recently saw Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, and I really, really liked it. A lot. So it inspired me to rewatch the old movie, which I now love even more. There is so much clever wordplay I never could have understood as a child.

So one of the reasons I enjoyed the new movie more than I think others would is because of Glendale High School A Capella Choir.

Two of the years I was in A Capella, we sang "Jabberwocky," which if you don't know, is the poem/song in Lewis Carroll's books.

It has a bunch of made-up words and the song, really, is very strange.

(here's a video link)

But as odd as the song was, I'm very glad we sang it because Alice in Wonderland (the new movie) is all about the poem.

Johnny Depp recites it while Alice rides on her hat, as does the Cheshire cat in the old movie.
The old movie has mome raths, Tulgey wood.
The new movie features the frumious bandersnatch, jubjub bird, frabjous day, "calloo-callay," the vorpal blade, and of course, the Jabberwocky.

So having sang the song (thus having memorized the poem), I understand the nonsensical words of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland.

Us A Capella alumni have an upperhand in that sense. Whereas the average viewer must have been confused by the strange language, for me, watching the movie was like finally being able to put pictures to words I've known for the past 8 years.

All in all, Tim Burton has brought my A Capella song to life. And I loved it.

Dear Bangs

2010-05-23T02:11:00.000-07:00

Please stop torturing me with your intermediate, unattractive length.

GROWWWWWW.

Sincerely,
Joan.

The Story Behind "Joan" Lee

2010-04-14T23:48:00.000-07:00

As most of you all know, I pretty much hated my name growing up:

It's a boring, old-fashioned Caucasian grandmother's name.
Korean immigrant adults can't pronounce it (so I let them call me whatever they want.)
Lots of people for some reason cannot spell it.
I've been called Joe/Jo, John, Jones, Joann, Jane, and of course, Joan of Arc (real original), all of which I hate being called.
It rhymes with nearly every letter in the alphabet, creating lots of ..lovely.. nicknames.

In the past when I would ask my mom how she came up with Joan, her explanation was that she thought it was a pretty name and that if I were to be a boy, I would have been named John. So I thought, all right, that makes sense. Good enough, I'll take it.

But as a child, my cousin Grace used to tell me that my name was supposed to be Joanne, but I contested. "Joan" is not meant to be pronounced with 2 syllables. It would be like pronouncing Grace "Grah-say," plus my mom never told me that before. So I never believed her.

However, I was talking to my mom yesterday and I decided to clarify that detail of my life. At first, she told me the same story, Joan = female version of John. But when I asked her about Grace claiming I was supposed to be Joanne, a new side of the story came out.

Turns out, she DID want my name to be Joanne -because it was pretty, but apparently, she was misinformed when she was taught to spell it. So after I was born and the documents signed and made, she originally called me Joanne. Then when writing my name for her friends, they told her, "No, that's pronounced Joan. Joanne is spelled with an extra N or N-E."

So after the initial shock, she thought "Hm.. Joan.. Lee. Okay, that sounds good. We'll keep it. Plus it would have been a hassle to change all the documents anyway."

So.... Grace was right all along.

But imagine if I were Joanne Lee. Such a girlier name. What ramifications would that have caused in my life? All those years of strife over my name could have turned out differently. Would I be a different person? Honestly, I think so, at least slightly.

What I find most ironic in this whole situation: I hate it when people call me Joanne. (I'd even prefer Korean adults to call me John than Joanne.)

It bugs me when things are mispronounced or when people ignorantly employ improper grammar - because things should be done a certain way. Joan should be pronounced and spelled Joan. And I would be bothered if people couldn't get that.

But if I didn't have to deal with the frustrations of people constantly getting my name wrong my whole life, maybe I wouldn't care about mispronunciation/grammar as much. Maybe people wouldn't have come up with ugly nicknames. (I definitely wouldn't have the same screenname. haha.)

I've definitely let go of some of the frustrations about my name, mostly because it's a regular part of my life and I've gotten so used to "Joan" causing problems.

But to think, my identity was founded on mispronunciation - what I hated most is what I was supposed to be.

Oh, what a difference 1-2 letters can make.

Withered Fig Trees

2010-03-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

Mark 11. Have you ever really imagined this story? It's the beginning of fig season and the tree was covered in big green leaves, but had no fruit yet. Jesus stops for a moment and simply tells this lush, green tree "may no one ever eat from you again."Shortly after, you're going back on the same path and the gorgeous green tree that you JUST saw has become a nasty, withered, pathetic twig.

Now, of course there is the clear illustration that the we are the tree, and though we may look promising, if we do not bear fruit, we will wither and die too.

But more importantly, Jesus chooses to tell us about the power of faith in this instance. Jesus explicitly says, if you believe (without a shadow of a doubt) that God can do something, it will be yours.

Imagine having that kind of faith. Believing God SO wholeheartedly and SO confidently that you yourself could go up to a fifty-year old tree and tell it to wither. And crazy enough, it does.

The thing is, this type of faith is truly within our reach. Not because we are so great, but because God is just THAT crazy. THAT amazing. THAT powerful.

If you do not doubt and believe that what you say WILL happen, it will be done for you! Believe it or not, it really is as simple as that. The power of God is ready and right there for the taking, all it takes is genuine belief. But all too often, we shy away from God's power. We limit what he can do because we're too scared. What if it doesn't come true? And sometimes even scarier, what if it does.

God is capable of giving us a whole downpour, a monsoon, but instead we ask for a single raindrop. We ask for the smallest thing we can, because we don't want to impose upon God with our petty problems, just in case it doesn't work out. In case God says no, we don't want to risk that disappointment. If God doesn't deliver like we hope he will, then what would that mean for what little faith we have?

But we have to realize that the lack of an answer usually is our lack of faith more than any insufficiency on God's part. If we had blazing faith like Moses, Elijah, and the disciples did, we could do miraculous things. We would see God's hands working through our lives all the time, and there would be withered fig trees all OVER the place.

But this world has got us jaded. We are an unbelieving and perverse generation. Of course God is still capable. He is the unchanging, omnipotent God, and the same Holy Spirit inhabits our souls. The only difference now is that we don't believe like they did. But we can.

The Lord is our father. And he explicitly tells us over and over to just come. Just ask. Just believe. And if we actually were to, why would he not give us the desires of our hearts?

So now try reading this with renewed faith in the power of Christ.

⁷"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. ⁹"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Matthew 7

Show me a sign.

2010-03-16T00:22:00.000-07:00

In the New Testament, we read over and over about the Pharisees and Jewish council members testing Jesus. Asking him for a sign. Trying to catch him breaking Roman and Jewish laws so that they could persecute this man who was ruining their rep and overturning what they had grown up learning was right.

And because hindsight is 20/20, I would always think, "Goodness, these Pharisees are so blind. They're just so desperate to cling to their religion and customs that they can't see the LORD in front of them."

And while I still hold onto that view, Pastor Sam's sermon on Sunday shed some new light to the situation that gives the Pharisees much more credit.

Deuteronomy 13:1-5.

They were, ironically, trying to follow God's word in persecuting Jesus. This passage describes a false prophet who would come doing miracles, leading them to follow gods they did not know. And God commanded that the false prophet was to be put to death.

Imagine being one of the Pharisees, forewarned that this type of prophet was coming. Then Jesus comes around, calling people to follow him (and to them, Jesus = not God). Plus, this man is going around performing miracles, so your duty as a follower of God's Word would seem to be: catch Jesus as the false prophet and get rid of this threat. God said so.

They had to prove that Jesus was indeed what Deuteronomy 13 describes, so they tried several times to catch him in the act. They asked for miracles and signs, not as proof of his Lordship, but to be used as incriminating evidence against him. Which of course, is why Jesus often denied them and owned them with his penetrating words instead. Jesus could have easily doled out a miracle, but he knew their hearts and exposed their deceitful traps.

But the Pharisees really did think it was their God-given decree to put this "false prophet" to death. Hence the hot pursuit and ultimate death of Jesus Christ. (But of course, thank God for that, because it led to Jesus' atonement for our sins)

So it wasn't just that they couldn't accept or understand Jesus' miraculous powers. It wasn't just that they were outraged that this man was breaking laws that God had specifically told them to follow. Their persecution was genuinely rooted in the word.

Sad and ironic, isn't it? They thought they were being good, righteous, God-fearing believers, but it was their lack of faith and their inability to see Jesus for who he was that condemned them. This man was too radical for them. Too human. Too counter-cultural.

So even though Pharisees knew the Word inside and out, if these serious, legitimate Bible scholars could end up condemning themselves, it shows me that the interpretation of His Word is not to be taken lightly. And more importantly, if we cannot see God in his whole triune self in light of the Word, then we are just as blind as the Pharisees. We cannot pick and choose pieces of the Bible that fit what we want it to, or else we risk facing the same self-righteous fate.

I love Luke.

2010-02-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

Reading through the gospels together, I kept getting drawn to Luke -particularly the language and the nuances that could easily go unnoticed. Luke incorporated intricacies of Jesus' life and stories that brings new meaning and understanding to the stories I've read over and over. Even though the difference may literally be the addition or adjustment of a single word, it makes a huge difference to me.

So last night, I read the introductions to M/M/L/J in my Life Application Study Bible, and reading the description of Luke made my appreciation even deeper and more personal - he wrote the way I think and emphasized what I value most in Jesus.
Here are some highlights:

Luke affirms Jesus' divinity, but the real emphasis of the book is to show Jesus' humanity --Jesus, the Son of God, is also the Son of Man. As a doctor, Luke was a man of science, and as a Greek, he was a man of detail. It is not surprising, then, that he begins by outlining his extensive research and explaining that he is reporting the facts.

Luke was also a close friend and traveling companion of Paul, so he could interview the other disciples, had access to other historical accounts, and was an eyewitness to the birth and growth of the early church. His Gospel and book the Acts are reliable, historical documents.

This is the most comprehensive gospel. The general vocabulary and diction show that the author was educated. He makes frequent references to illnesses and diagnoses. Luke stresses Jesus' relationships with people; emphasizes prayer, miracles, and angels; records inspired hymns of praise; and gives a prominent place to women

He is the only known Gentile author in the New Testament. [Luke was written to] Theophilus ("one who loves God"), Gentiles, and people everywhere

I love it. -A Gentile, studied/lived science, educated, detail-oriented, valued relationships, gives props to women. (sound like me? hahaa) What more could I ask for? Hehe. Luke is wonderful.

I've Come Full Circle

2010-02-11T01:45:00.000-08:00

ESFJ/INFP/ENTP/ISTP/ISFJ/ASLDKJ/ABCD/ATGC/QWERTY/ETC. blah blah blah.
We've all taken the infamous Myers-Brigg Test time and time again, and as much as I like taking personality assessment tests, I didn't really buy into this one in particular because for a long time, my results were inconsistent.

However, after having to take it again for small group HW last night, as I was reading my results (ISFJ), I realized that it perfectly described what type of person I used to be growing up, rather than who I believe myself to be, now. I'd like to believe that I have grown out of certain qualities/characteristics, but it makes me wonder... how bound am I to my old-self? Or should I call it my true self?

I thought I had "conquered" a lot of my former insecurities, but have I really grown past them, or is my personality more set in stone than I realized? --Which reminds me of the premise behind FlashForward (and Lost too, I guess I could say) and their question of changing "destiny," and of course, the age-old nature vs. nurture argument. (Meaning, no matter how much I may ponder/write/bore you, there will never be an answer.)

As I continued to read up on ISFJ's ("Protector Guardians" / "Nurturers"), I was genuinely shocked at how well they had me pegged. I kept digging around for more ISFJ information, and the more I read, the more I felt exposed. How could a simple 4-letter combination describe me so well? (Could I be that predictable?)

I know that I have changed a lot since I was younger, but I guess the childhood, painfully shy-Joan will always be there, enough so to keep me an ISFJ after 2 decades. (and possibly forever?) High school and college were definitely times when I worked to become more open-minded, expressive, opinionated, and decisive. And in some areas, I've passed the point of no return. But despite reconciling and adjusting my identity, it appears that I've circled back to my former self.

So what does this mean for me now..? I really don't know.

The Screwtape Letters

2010-01-19T22:49:00.001-08:00

I said long ago that I would post excerpts/thoughts about Screwtape Letters, but I never got to because there are just TOO many mind-blowing passages to choose from. But the time has come and here is the first entry: (Letter/Chapter #2, pg 7-8)

"Work hard, then, on the disappointment or anticlimax which is certainly coming to the patient during his first weeks as a churchman. The enemy allows this disappointment to occur on the threshold of every human endeavour.

It occurs when the boy who has been enchanted in the nursery stories by 'Stories from the Odyssey' buckles down to really learning Greek. It occurs when lovers have got married and begin the real task of learning to live together. In every department of life it marks the transition from dreaming aspiration to laborious doing.

The enemy takes this risk because He has a curious fantasy of making all these disgusting little human vermin into what He calls His 'free' lovers and servants --'sons' is the word He uses, with His inveterate love of degrading the whole spiritual world by unnatural liaisons with the two-legged animals.

Desiring their freedom, He therefore refuses to carry them, by their mere affections and habits, to any of the goals which He sets before them: He leaves them to 'do it on their own.' And there lies our opportunity. But also, remember, there lies our danger. If once they get through this initial dryness successfully, they become much less dependent on emotion and therefore much harder to tempt."

2010-01-15T16:37:00.001-08:00

sometimes i just want to dissolve

2009-12-31T20:26:00.001-08:00

i really can't commit myself to a blog.
i may go through certain times when i write somewhat consistently, but... meh. as much as i like the idea of journaling, it's not really in my nature to do so.
so random, sporadic blogging i will continue to do. (as i always have)

goodbye 2009. you kind of sucked.
filled with lots of highs, but more lows.

King vs. Pauper

2009-11-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

Eat breakfast like a King (or Queen in my case), and dinner like a pauper.
My inner-pauper will have to battle hard to conquer the queen in her regal behavior.
But we shall see who shall prevail this weekend.

EDITED: upon further analysis and research,

2009-11-09T00:38:00.003-08:00

forget that last post. i think i got it now.

EDIT: haha so I know I was extremely vague, but I didn't think anyone would be interested in my rambling. So here is my thought process/my plan:

I REALLLY only neeeeed a 0.01Science-GPA boost (at the bare minimum). So pulling out a $6000+ private loan for a 0.04 GPA boost (at USC) is just NOT worth it.
Also, as advised by Erica, community college, no matter how cheap, is out of the question.
So, I am banking on CSULA, but I will try to get UCLA and CSULA at the same time (Jan 4). I got advice that I should just stick with it, and keep going to class because people will continue to drop (hopefully).

But in the meantime, CSUN starts 2 weeks later, so if my chances at CSULA or UCLA aren't looking too good, then I'll try CSUN as well (same procedure/risk).

So there it is.
No real backup plan, but God, I hope it works out =(

kiiind of stressed. =(

2009-11-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

So in order to raise my science GPA to a competitive state, I need to take 2 more bio classes.
Issue is, where, when, and will it be possible?

Option 1: the most expensive one =(
-Take both classes at USC (Jan-May)

Option 2: still expensive
-Take one class at USC, one class elsewhere-wherever I can

Option 3: the option I'm most hoping for,
-Take both classes at CSULA, UCLA, or a combo of the two. (ideally, Jan-March)

Option 4: cheapest, but least credible
-Take classes at a community college or two.

So I'm realllly hoping Option 3 works out, but it's the biggest gamble because I'm a sitting duck until January. But, by January, I need to have already registered for a community college, or for USC.

Option 4 is extremely tempting because it's 1/1000th the price of the other options, and siginificantly easier, of course. However, it would look much less legitimate on my transcripts.

Option 1 is the one that I could rely most on, but I would have to take out a FATTTYY loan, which pains my heart.

WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOO =(
maybe i'll register for everything and drop as need be...? but that complicates loan applications too.

GOD HELP ME.

and if you read this entry, can you help me too?

Wanderlust

2009-10-26T23:53:00.000-07:00

I used to be content with just being in SoCal, sure, I wanted to travel to nice places, but it was definitely low on my priority list.

But nowadays, I REALLY want to go somewhere. anywhere. everywhere.
I've only ever seen the boring parts of the west coast (only the national parks)- Idaho, Montana, Utah... you get the point. Outside of the States, I've been to Mexico, Korea, India, and China, but in China, I've never even stepped outside of Yanji. And that is it.

I want to see and experience the rest of the world, or even the rest of the US would be more than GREAT.

I want to go on cross-country road trips, and I want to go on the (failed) west-coast road trip. And I wanna go see Canada, New York, Boston, Chicago, Baltimore. I want to see what a real autumn is supposed to look like. Feel what a real winter feels like.

I want to see ALL of Europe. I want to travel China- Beijing, Hong Kong, Changchun, Xi'an. I want to see Southeast Asia. I want to go to Australia! (That one has been my dream since 2nd grade). I want to play in Japan.

Most of all, I want to go back to House of Sarang.

But all of this requires time, and more importantly, loads and loads of money. But these I do not have.

Sigh.....someday...... =\

Who Am I?

2009-10-25T20:28:00.001-07:00

I have always been a shy person, but I knew I would have to break out of my shell in order to survive college. So I did, and apparently, so much so that people believed me to be an extrovert. They couldn't believe I was ever shy and it would really give me a little bit of an identity crisis. My whole life, "shy" was always one of the top 3 characteristics I would use to describe myself. It was even in my screenname from 7th to 12th grade. (..heheh.=X)

But post-grad life has been a time of reconciling who I was, and who I became, in order to direct who I will become. And of course, this reconciliation extends into every aspect of my life, not just this one personality trait (as I'm sure it is/has/will for everyone else).

Now that college is over, I have really been settling back into my introverted ways and I keep catching myself doing it. But now that I've seen what it's like being on both sides of the E-I scale, the question is, am I just going back to who I am, or could it be something else?

Is it that one side is closer to my redeemed self, and one is closer to my natural, sin-rooted side? How could I ever even know whether one way is better than another if they both have their pros and cons? Who is it that God wants me to be?

On a similar note, I always thought I was a very open person, and that I would tell anyone anything. And yeah, sometimes I may, but more and more, I find myself withholding my struggles and my life from others. And this also makes me wonder if it's because of this time of my life or if it is just a part of who I am.

At CCH retreat, Pastor Jeney Park-Hearn gave a seminar about our lost self, false self, and disowned self. And it's complicated, so.. I won't explain here.

But even if I do sort myself out and I understand the aspects of my identity, what then? How does it go on from there?
Who is my whole self? How do I get to that point? Can I ever?

A Godsend

2009-10-14T20:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you meet someone, and you KNOW that that person is sent to you as a gift from God? A "helloOo, don't you remember? I am your father and your husband and I will always provide, no matter how faithless you can be."

So of course, there are several people in my life like that, but there is someone that I MUST write about because God is using this woman to bless me over, and over, and over again and I am so grateful.

First, she was the one who helped me clearly understand my post-bacc situation -she gave it to me straight, but with kindness and realistic optimism. She told me exactly what I would have to do, and when, and then she even suggested other professors and administrators I could talk to. And even though things didn't work out, I know that God really used her to grant me peace before leaving for House of Sarang.

Then post-missions, post-CSULA failure (so about a week ago), I was really feeling hopeless. But after stirring up some courage, I sent out some emails for job postings and research positions, and I decided to email her too, just in case.

Turns out, she showed me kindness yet again, and was totally willing to let me volunteer. We met up yesterday and she set me up on a project with her and this other girl. She took the time to explain everything to us very thoroughly so that I can get the most out of the experience.

Then on top of that, when I mentioned that I was planning on job-shadowing, she told me about her dentist, and said she would give him a call. And she followed through immediately -she sent me an email just a couple hours ago. She told him about me, and that I can call to arrange to meet him! And I had really been scared of actively going out there to find a dentist to shadow, but thanks to this woman, she has helped push me out of my fear and passivity.

WOW.
And all of this happened within the TWO times that I met her. All together now, WOW.

Seriously, she is SO nice, SO encouraging, SO helpful. It really blows me away (so much so that I HAD to post about her)! She seriously reminds me of all the great elementary school teachers I've ever had. Middle-aged white women who just pour out love and care on needy children like myself. But it's amazing because she's a college professor. You can tell she loves what she does, that she has genuine concern for others, and most importantly, that she hasn't been jaded, unlike most teachers who get more and more jaded as you move onto higher levels of education.

It is SO refreshing to feel so cared for and to meet someone so awesome. And the thing is, it really isn't like she's throwing me freebies. I can feel that she has respect for me as a young adult, and that she knows I am a capable individual. I had lost so much confidence in my abilities throughout college, but I really feel renewed. It's really great to be reminded of how many good people there are out in the world.

Thank you God, and thank you, Dr. Sharp.
I look forward to a great quarter of working with you. Even though it is an unpaid position, it is totally worth it.

(Now it's just a matter of starting to study for the DATs.... O_O)

nothing else i can say

2009-10-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

(eh, eh.. cherry cherry boom boom)

but anyway, this always happens to me, as i'm sure it does to many failing-bloggers -whenever i get some revelation, read something that rocks my world, find something great, or whatever the case may be, i think "ooh. this would make a PERFECT blog entry"

and then i never get around to it.

and so continues the saga of my blog-failures.
does that even make sense. i dont know. i'm tired.

The Next Chapter...

2009-10-04T01:43:00.000-07:00

It has been nearly 5 months since graduation, but with 4 months of vacation time, China, and taking some time to debrief, I had been spared from dealing with "real life" for quite some time.

Coming back to America to all the changes that come with post-college life (plus the added weight of House of Sarang withdrawal) has proved difficult, particularly because my life is no longer set on a clear cut path. Yeah, it would have been great to go directly into dental school, law school, pharm school, a stable job, blah blah blah, but I'm really glad for this time of uncertainty because I know I didn't prematurely commit myself to a plan I may not have been ready for.

I was once a slave to the train of thought that you MUST go directly from high school, to college, to professional school, to work, to marriage, to children -no breaks, no deviations. In high school, I never once dreamt of straying from this path for fear of the uncertain. Culture, schools, family, and life dictated exactly that formula and it was too scary to consider other options. And honestly, living life with such burdens can be suffocating.

I admit that I am in my current position mostly because I wasn't focused enough during college. I let myself fall off that path and had to cope with it one way or another, but God has really been showing me for the past few years, and even more so now, that it is nowhere near the worst thing in the world.

Honestly, it's refreshing to be free from school for once -not being tied down by the chains of expectations. And for once, I feel free to dream about new possibilities. Not to say that I'm throwing my former plans out the window, but I love being able to see outside the mold I had been stuck in for so long because there is soo much more to life than fulfilling "the American Dream."

The war is still waging between my old and new selves, and I don't think I'll ever be completely free from the way I was trained to think, but I know that once I get through this, my convictions and motivations will be deeper and more honest.

This season of my life is really helping me reassess my goals and relationships. I definitely do not have all the answers, I actually kind of don't have any. But of course, with God on my side, I know I will find some way in life. Without that comfort, I would truly be lost.

If I had thousands of dollars to spend, I would...

2009-09-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

Pay off my loans (sigh, thank GOD for grace periods)
Pay for my extra science classes at USC for spring semester (if it all works out... about $14,000 needed for TWO classes. SIGH. JUST 2.. which means extra loans, in reality)
Buy Rosetta Stone -Korean, Chinese, Japanese, French, etc. (for both Christine and I to enjoy) Each language costs $500.
Go to House of Sarang (tickets are only about $600!)
Go travel the east coast -New York and Baltimore to visit the Jessicas, Boston to visit my cousin, and everywhere else.
Travel Europe. (sigh. sommedaaay.)

and of course a million other things. but those are the ones that pull my heart my most -in order of urgency.

sigh. i'm buh-roooke.

Introducing...

2009-09-22T23:47:00.000-07:00

왕녕 (Wang Nyoung... pronounced Wang-Ning)

He was the youngest child at House of Sarang, but a new baby came straight from the hospital during the first week of September, so now his position has advanced to #2.
He is SO precious and loving. One time, he was really sad and crying, so I carried him and softly sang "Jesus Lover of My Soul" as he rested his head on my shoulder. He stopped crying and when I would try to put him back down, he would cling closer, so I kept singing to him.

Ever since then, whenever he would see me, he would come running over to play with me, with his huge smile and cute, happy little eyes. We danced and played a lot and I miss him tremendously.

Stay tuned and I'll introduce you readers to another of my loves sometime. Possibly weekly..?

blogblogblogblog

2009-09-22T20:31:00.001-07:00

About a week ago, I just happened to read through some old xanga posts and I'm so glad that I have them to look back on. It definitely reminded me of the therapeutic significance of blogging/journaling, but a lot of times, there's just so much to write about that there's nothing you can say (write).

I love the way blog entries can exercise the mind and develop writing skills and such. So I'd like to come back and write more often, but I don't know how well I can commit to that. But do know that I have the desire and there have been several times I intended to post my thoughts, but just couldn't find the time. or whatever other excuses there are.

I really do hope to blog more often, and so here it begins.

Just to get some updates out of the way:

I truly, madly, deeply love House of Sarang. I have learned and still am learning a LOT from this past trip and I cannot wait to go back -the sooner, the better.
The West Coast Health Missions Conference was AWESOME. Met some amazing, intelligent, kindhearted men and women of God. Learned a looot, did a lot of self-analyzing, and it actually helped me process some of what I experienced at HOS as well.
I'm reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis -finally. I've always meant to read it, but I finally bought it at a used bookstore the other day. It is GOOD. I get so humbled, shocked, and wow-ed that it makes me underline practically every other line. I will definitely write a post about it sometime or another.
I just bought a laptop chill-pad and a new chair for my room -I have been using my now former desk chair for.. about.. 16+ years. Gross, I know. So yay! It's nice and comfy.
It is my cousin Hannah's birthday today. She will likely never see this, but I just wanted to put that out there.

Okay that's all I feel like writing for now. HAHA. Til next time. TATA.... (box) heh heh. some bio humor for y'all. ;)

BYE!

uncertainties

2009-09-17T22:22:00.001-07:00

flood my mind.

Hana Yori Dango

2009-06-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

the OG, better, better-looking, more light-hearted Japanese version of Boys over Flowers (꽃 보다 남자)

I just finished both seasons (20 episodes all together) and I was GLUED to my computer and could not stop watching. I am so dazed and in love with the show. SO good. So good that I want to watch it again. (but will try to refrain.)
Oguri Shun and Matsumoto Jun -the main love interests in this show were both in Gokusen 1 too! So of course, I love them even more now. =)

Serrano Chile and Jalapeno Hands =(

2009-06-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

So last night we had an India 2k6-Fish Taco Night Hangout, and first, let me say, all the food was DELICIOUS and the company was AWESOME, of course. (YAY)

So we were making Jon Kang's Green Sauce, and as Gina mashed the avocados, I chopped up some cilantro, 2 jalapenos, and 2 serrano chiles. I really didn't think anything of it at the time, especially because I had cut some jalapenos the night before and I was perfectly fine.

But about 5 minutes later, as I squeezed some lemon and lime into the sauce, my thumb was starting to tingle.

It was tolerable, but soon, it started spreading deeper into my nails (right where the nail and the finger meets). I brushed it off and continued to help cook, but within the hour, my index and middle finger started to tingle too. So I rubbed my fingers together to distract myself from the pain.

I decided to try some remedies. First, as most of us know, when you eat something spicy, you're supposed to drink milk, so I tried dipping my fiingers in milk... didn't really help.
Then I tried ice... helped while I kept my hands on the ice, but.. once my hands were off, no help.

So I went home, and it was still relatively tolerable, but when I got home, the pain initiated in my left hand as well. So by now, both of my thumbs, index, middle, and ring fingers were BURNING with pain. It was getting worse, so I googled some solutions, and I hated the ones that said "use gloves." Because obviously, it's too late for that one. I knew that time would end up being the only solution, but I had to do something, so I went on and tried them all.

Washing my hands over and over -did nothing.
Lotion- nada.
Aloe Vera -accentuated the burn.
Antibiotic Ointment -that kind of burned too.
Vegetable oil -made it feel like my hands were being COOKED.
Vinegar -worked VERY temporarily, but made my hands smell and didn't really do much.
Warm Water -(acc. to Jon Baik:) to try to open up my pores to let the chile oils out... oh, they came out all right, came out to burn me even worse. Lukewarm water felt like BURNING HOT WATER to my fingertips
Sour Cream -worked for about a minute, but the moment I washed it off -pain, yet again.
There were some remedies involving bleach, rubbing alcohol, and acetone, but heck no, I KNEW that those would just eat away my skin and make things worse, so I avoided that one.

So each "solution" only aggravated my fingers even worse than the last one, and it was hurting so bad that I had to turn off my computer because typing hurt so much.

It's hard to describe the sensation, but it felt a little bit like I was being forced to keep my fingers on a hot iron skillet, and there was no way to pull away from the burning, searing pain. Seriously.

So I tried to go to sleep, and thank God, I did. So I ended up waking/getting up at around 11:30, and YAY! It didn't hurt!

But as warned by the blogs I read, "I thought the sensation/pain was gone, but after taking a hot shower, the irritation was back with a fury." But it was only a warm shower, but.. same effect.

So, it's definitely not AAAAS bad as it was last night, but it still hurts and I read that capsaicin (the oil in the peppers) has a half-life of about 24 hours, so... I shall have to suffer until tonight. It definitely is getting better though. It kind of comes in waves (of mutilation. haha). But yeahhh... be warned, everyone. Gloves are a necessity.

Stupid chiles. =(

Some New Loves

2009-06-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

Although I normally am completely turned off by men with tweezed, neatly trimmed eyebrows,
I must say that the Japanese men in Gokusen have charmed me to overlook those minor flaws. I don't even mind the fabulous blonde and brown hair either. haha. (but I'm sure in person, it'd be a different story)

So let me tell you a little about Gokusen. (I'm sure people won't read this post, but whatever.)
Yankumi = main character, teacher, granddaughter of a yakuza head (mob-leader)

So, there's this character named Tetsu, and he is just wonderful. He is one of the "henchmen" in the yakuza that lives in Yankumi's house. He actually has an ugly stache and beard thing going on, but I don't mind. His love, loyalty, and protection over Yankumi is so charming. He's hilarious and I hope they get together in the end. =( which they probably won't. =(
But anyway, Ken Kaneko is a boxer in real life, hence the pose.

Matsumoto Jun plays Sawada Shin in G1, and he is from Arashi, which was my friend Yoko's FAVORITE band. In 5th grade, she would show me pictures of them and I thought they were so ugly, but my eyes have truly been opened. He has the rare talent like Robert Pattinson where when he looks into your eyes (the camera), he just makes you want to fall in love with him.

Shun Ogiri plays Uchiyama, and let me tell you, he has some beautiful hairstyles throughout the show. But when he falls for this one girl, he gets sheepishly shy when he's normally rowdy and tough. So cute.

And the last 2 guys are in the band Kat-Tun: Akanishi Jin & Kazuya Kamenashi. They're the eye-candy of Season 2. Not as charming and wonderful, but I like them nonetheless. But I'm not done with Gokusen 2, so maybe I'll fall in love with them more as I continue to watch.

i just want to say...

2009-06-22T01:16:00.000-07:00

that i hate cigarettes. no. i kind of abhor them.

don't get me wrong -i dont hate the smokers, (i love many, many of them, actually.) i just hate the cigarettes themselves.
acid, toxic death penetrating walls/windows/doors/clothes/hair as it destroys and mutilates lungs/throat/EVERYTHING, turning tissues to murderous cancer cells.

even stupid secondhand smoke kills you. makes my heart and lungs LITERALLY, physically hurt. acid is slowly eating away my insides.

i know you're saying.. uhh.. duhh. everyone knows this already.
but that's what my lungs feel like at this exact moment. and it's lasting longer than usual. usually i can shake it off, but it seems to have seeped in deeper tonight.

i really cannot fathom HOW much nastily worse it must feel to actually smoke. truly, death on a stick.

i freaking HATE cigarettes and the control they have over peoples' lives.
right now in particular, i hate its stinking smoke and the way it absorbs into EVERY SINGLE THING it touches.

ugh. i could go on forever, but it's all been said and done before so.. whatever.
i'm done complaining about it now.... at least here.

In LOVE with...

2009-06-17T23:42:00.000-07:00

1. Beyonce's - I Am.. Sasha Fierce (Deluxe Edition)

2. Gokusen (watch on mysoju.com!)

3. Admittedly, my summer, bruin home (soon to be gone forever!)

4. frozen yogurt. (I'M ADDICTED!.. again.)

annnd

5. My Glendale Girls (duh)

.... wow. baaasically, looks like i love all things christine bae (-->#2-5). (and hera --> #3-5)
and shout out to my paikie with the beyonce. i loooove the new album, do you?

the end.

Lesson Learned...?

2009-06-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

A lesson I've been learning, yet again (for probably the millionth time -literally), is:

Save yourself the time, energy, heartache, and anxiety - just listen to God the first time around.

The first time around when God gives you a sneak peek at his will -that inkling feeling that you know you should probably listen to, but you push aside because you want to stay just a littttle longer, or because you're just having some fun, there's no harm in it.... Basically, because you just want to be selfish and have things go your way without seriously thinking about the consequences.

The first time I REALLY learned this lesson, now let me tell you, I paid for it DEARLY. And though it may be a COMPLETELY different situation this time around, I am reminded of what a fool I am. Just because the circumstances have changed, the lesson, clearly, had not been drilled into my head well enough.

And honestly, as a stinkin' DUMB sinner, it will likely... never fully get into my thick head.

...Thank God for mercy. Seriously.
But because of mercy and grace, sometimes we stupid sinners are quick to forget our follies. We fool ourselves into thinking we don't need any God to tell us what is best. We know our own lives, we know what path we think is best.

What a fool, idiot, dunderhead I am.
Look at what Sin (NOUN) does to me. to us all.
(Sin the noun, not sin the verb)
UGHHHH. Gotta remember, and KEEP reminding myself -Sin DESTROYS my soul.
It doesn't in ANY way make me a better person, there isn't a sin that's okay and permissible because of its degree of severity. All sins are equally destructive and each one merits me hell.

So again, just listen to God right away, as he reveals bits and pieces of His will to you. He already knows what you'd have to go through if you take your own path and he wants to save your from yourself.

The Tale of the Bee and its Tail

2009-05-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

Okay I already told this story to some of you, so you can just skip this entry. (not that people really read my blog anymore, other than my loyal blog-obsessed Herry berry)

Thursday, as I was driving along Western to the freeway, right when I passed by Rodeo Galleria, there was something floating in the air, and I hear this.. "tteuk tteuk tteuk" sound on my windshield -like the sound when rocks hit your window. But the thing it, it wasn't just like 1 or 2 light tteuk tteuk's. I could tell I hit at least like.. 10 things that definitely sounded slightly heavier than pebbles.
So a second later, one of the.. what I believed/hoped to be a rock, flew in through my window and hit my bangs, and falls down next to my thigh.
and lo and behold, what do I see? A BEE!!! (as you can tell by the title of this entry) So, of course, I screamed and freaked out and called Christine (whom I was going to visit) to tell her this exact story.

So the freaky thing is, is that the bee's... butt.. (thorax, to be exact) was .. detached. and there was a little trail of honey-like substance that had... fallen out. (I guess that's what bee guts looks like??)

So I'm pretty sure that the impact against the window just.. destroyed its body as its dying corpse fell in through the 4 inches of opened window. (seriously, just 4 inches. Why hadn't I kept my window closed!) So, because I was driving and had just gotten on the freeway, there was nothing I could do to get rid of the bee. So I watched it slowly die and attempt to move positions and every time it would flaps its wings and squirm its legs, (::shudder::) ugh. it freaked me out. But the trail of honey kept it.. stuck to my chair... (gross, I know), so it couldn't crawl closer to me, thank God.

By the time I reached Westwood, it was dead. So I scooped it up on a paper to show Christine, and so she screamed and threw it on the ground.

So that is my story of the bee, but you really cannot fully understand my terror without seeing what I saw, so here it is:

ew.

What have I been doing since graduation?

2009-05-30T00:34:00.000-07:00

So, I've been having a HECK a lot of fun since graduation -playing everyday, keeping busy with fun adventures, driving here and there (i LOVE having constant access to a car!!), and most importantly, meeting up and playing with people I love...

but I know this cannot be a permanent state of life. Or else, I'll seriously just gain a hundred pounds and get nowhere in life. As much as I truly, thoroughly enjoy spending so much time with everyone, I need to be more devoted to home. Tonight was the first night since... like.. April that I came home before midnight. Even 3am actually.

The arguments/justifications I have been giving myself for playing as much as I want are:
1. I'm leaving for House of Sarang soon anyway, and real life begins soon after I come back, so may as well live it up until then
2. This is the first time in life when I (essentially) have a car! I'm just enjoying the newfound freedom.
3. Once the fall comes around, everyone will have gone their separate ways and it'll be much harder to meet up.
4. My mom/dad are actually REALLY cool about me being out late. They don't really call to check up on me. (hehe. it's kind of.. great.)
5. Okay. I can go on forever.

...Oh no. Writing out this list has made me want to just continue playing even more. AHAHA dangit.

There's more I wanted to say, but I'm gonna stop here and.. AHAHAH I'll get to it later.
I've become a bad blogger.

New Playlist -->

2009-05-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

here you go. please feel free to dl.
and i have my old playlists down on the right if you want. =)

A Prelude to my Return

2009-04-28T21:09:00.003-07:00

i've been bad. i know.
but.. i'll be back again... soonish....

Refiner's Fire.

2009-03-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

So much to blog about, but I don't know how much to put, what to put, and so forth. so.. I'll just begin by saying...
1. Suffering is good because God is so good.
2. Reconciliation is good because God is gracious.
3. Everything is done (or oftentimes NOT done) according to God's perfect plan and impeccable timing.

I am such a sinner.
But God will use it to magnify His glory in the end... and I shall be judged for all the damage I've done to people and to myself when my time comes.

You know, we constantly ask God.. "mold me, make me better, help me to be more like you, change my heart, refine me in the fire, etc"

And honestly, be careful what you ask for. Because God will give it to you.. It may mean immense suffering, sorrow, and shame. Think about it. Refiner's fire. Literally. FIRE. Agonizing, burning, PAIN. Feeling your skin get seared and torn apart as all of your flesh melts away. (Like Two-Face in Dark Knight, but with a much better result) Are you prepared for what God will show you? Even if you aren't God may do it anyway because it is all for HIS good, which means for our good too. But remember, amidst the craziness He may pour upon you, God is doing it to bless your life. There is always hope. It's really ALL OVER the Bible. Just take a look.

1. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

2. And rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces pereverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:2b-5

3. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

4. "My son (daughter. hehe), do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. [...] No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12: 5-8,11

Order in the Randomness That is My Sleepy Mind.

2009-03-09T01:26:00.000-07:00

0 lectures cancelled despite missing professors.

1 hour lost for delights havens dime.

2 midterms this week.

3 cavities to be filled.

4 days til spring break.

5 AM talks are always worth it.

6 weeks of work i have yet to be paid for.

7 th of march -perfect timing, saving me a hassle.

8 days til we leave for puerto vallarta.

Strawberry.. Blueberry.. Blackberry?!

2009-03-03T23:16:00.000-08:00

So my phone plan ends in April, and over the weekend, my dad asked if I wanted a Blackberry.

(WHA??) I was speechless. I just assumed I'd stick with a regular number pad phone for the rest of my life and only switch over to a Internet-phone/QWERTY if I REALLY needed it. (I don't necessarily want a QWERTY actually. I love T9/Word) I didn't know what to say, so I just left him little response. Then, just a few hours ago, on the way to dinner for my mom's birthday, he asked again.

You may be saying, what's wrong with you? Are you crazy? TAKE IT! There are so many people that want it but can't get it because their parents won't let them, but YOUR parents are offering it to you! BBM is the best, Internet/Email is SO convenient! Blackberries make life better. blah blah blah.

So why does it pose such a dilemma, you ask?
Because Blackberries consume lives (yes, yes, there are exceptions, but this holds true for the majority of people)

Crackberries tend to ruin social situations. People cannot help but glue their eyes and attentions to their constantly beeping/buzzing/ringing/chiming/donging Blackberry. Yeah, I'm sure it's fun for the BBM'ers, but for us laypeople trying to have regular conversations, it is no fun at all when the person's mind seems to want to be elsewhere and not with you.
Dependency on Internet access. I kind of like being detached from the world sometimes, not having to turn on my computer all the time, etc. But with the Blackberry, you can't run away. And once you go Internet, you can never go back to a regular phone.
The MOOLA. Of course, the phone plan is much more expensive. (But I'm not sure how much more...) So I don't want to waste money when I don't need to.

But.. I have to admit. BBM and unlimited texting are VERY, VERY tempting and convenient.

One of the biggest reasons why I didn't even consider/want a Blackberry was because it is SUCH a huge trend. Like Macs. The things you buy/use/wear/etc. say a lot about who you are. I don't want to jump off the bridge, just because everyone else did. I took pride in staying on the other side of the trend. But... now that it has become a real possibility.... do I jump?

What if the other side IS better? If I were to jump, I'd definitely be diving into a large community. But, people who cannot control their Blackberry use, busting it out in any and every situation, always bug me. But if I were to get a Blackberry... I think I could control myself...But do I even need all those apps?

Am I overthinking all of this? Probably. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? ... Highly likely. But it stresses me out nonetheless.

So now I ask of you,
To Blackberry, or not to Blackberry. That is the question.

EXTREME MAKEOVER, Home Edition.

2009-03-01T03:49:00.000-08:00

1. Our family FINALLY got new sofas! (after... 9 years?) I hated the couches we used to have. Tacky and uncomfortable. Now, we have dark brown, leather. Oh and the furniture people threw in a new dining table too. So yay!

2. NEW TV! (On sale at Costco, YAY.) Had to get a new one since all TV's have to be digital now. -_- But yes. It is very clean, nice, and beautiful. I can't enjoy it for a few more weeks, but it's all good.

3. Since our church has now .... closed... all of my dad's books at church have come home in the past few weeks (and trust me, there were already shelves and shelves of books here to begin with). Many PK's, I'm sure, can attest to this phenomenon where part/all of your house is devoted solely to books.

Our house has gone through a major makeover, becoming a dark, handsome, full-blown library. Too bad all of the books are in Korean and I can't understand/make use of them. (...not that I really would have anyway. heh heh..)

The thing is, our apt is really small, so the influx of bookshelves has been pretty crazy. My dad has been working day in, day out and he really did an AMAZING job getting everything to fit so perfectly (He is BY FAR the handiest man I know. And I LOVE it.) Basically, every wall is lined with either a door, closet, piece of furniture, bookshelf, or even bookshelves above the furniture. No exaggeration. I promise.

If our family lived in Belle/Beast's mansion, we could totally fill that library up.

So, of course, pictures are worth more than words, and so here's proof to back up my claims.

(And a treat for those of you who have never seen my mysterious K-town home.... so everyone, basically. HAHA)

Living Room, Side 1

Living Room, side 2 and wider view from kitchen

Small wall b/w my room and my brother's

My room (new bookshelf for me too)

and more shelves to come and to be filled. (Parents' room)

Tis my humble abode.
Adieu.

Trojan Pride..?

2009-02-24T02:23:00.000-08:00

So, don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE USC, but other than the occasional sweater, future license plate attachment (if I EVER get a car), USC shirt for when I'm too lazy to wear a regular shirt, etc, I don't really care much about USC paraphernalia.

However, my dad on the other hand, gets very excited and thinks I want ALL THINGS USC.

For example, when we moved homes my freshman year, my dad went to Home Depot and got me these USC-themed keys, which were cute and actually really helpful in distinguishing between home and school keys.

But after this set of keys got stolen, he tried getting me the same thing, but they didn't understand and gave him this keychain instead. HAHA.

So, I thought this was the extent of it, but more recently, whenever my dad sees ANYTHING USC, anywhere, he calls me and asks if I want it, or he just buys it and surprises me with it. For example, he bought me a USC beanie from Lids when he was buying a hat for my brother (... and I appreciated it, but.. honestly... I have no use for it!)

But of course, my dad bought it for me, so I can't.. not.. wear it... you know?

So, what pushed it over, inspiring me to write this post, was this chair:

O_O ..right?

The chair I use at home is really old (but I love it). So my dad calls me and asks if I'd like a new one, like his (a nice, brown leather, comfy one), but with USC on it.

So... at first, I thought it could be nice to have a new chair. But when I went to look it up online, I was shocked to see this horrendously tacky chair. (Obviously, I told my dad not to buy it.)

So.. hahah yeah.. it's cute that my dad gets so excited for me, and I reallly do appreciate it, but.. my goodness, you gotta admit, there is some ugly/ridiculous USC paraphernalia out there.

For your listening pleasure --->

2009-02-23T02:21:00.000-08:00

For those who didn't realize what this side panel is for:
"For your listening pleasure" is a playlist of some songs that I love and what to share with you all, so just click the links, and you can dl the songs for freEeeEe (or your mattress is freee!)

So please take advantage and enjoy, my lovers and friends.

girls.

2009-02-22T20:56:00.000-08:00

1. Girls' girls > Guys' girls.
2. Girls who think they are girls' girls (but are actuallly guys' girls in denial) = shady bizz.

PWND.

2009-02-17T16:12:00.000-08:00

Why/How?
1. The impending doom that is Microbiology Midterm 1 (tomorrow)
2. BISC 150 Research Paper Outline (due thurs)
3. Micro Lab Report (~10-15 pages, due thurs)
4. (and most importantly), Samoneem/God's Pressure Points of PAIN. (last night)

So our House of Sarang missionaries came to America this week to visit various churches and such. So our team met up for dinner last night at BCD. Now, for those who may become confused by the story below... just take it with faith and I'd LOVE to share more about it with you in detail. Just ask me. =)

SO, samoneem has a CRAZY/AMAZING gift from God, where she can feel your pain (emotional and physical). and this past summer at HoS, she told me that I was perfectly healthy, physically and emotionally. (Yay!) So last night, after Christine and Jason got owned, it was my turn next.

Foolishly, I hoped and thought, since I didn't have pain in the summertime, I should be fine now ....right?

WRONG.

She first went for my left ankle. I had sprained that ankle in 10th grade, and it had been acting up with the weather changes. (Crazy. How'd she know right?? cuz GOD showed her.) So, she starts pressing on it, but it wasn't so bad. I could handle the pain (cuz it was just a physical pain. not a deep-rooted emotional one.)

Next, she looks at me, and moves to the spot right under my sternum, at the top of my abs. And as she pushed... SEARING PAIN shot thru me. It felt like there was a self-destruct button in my stomach and she was trying to set it off to explode me. HAHAH jk. not that dramatic, but sort of.

So she told me that I had a pain that was like a rotting/reopened wound that wasn't healing properly. (Pardon the translation. My Korean sucks, so I'm saying giving you the general gist). And at that moment, I knew all of the pains she spoke of. All of the changes, the trauma, and the sorrow that I was trying to push away. It all burst out into the open and the tears came rushing out.

After another round of pressure points, I was done (and she thus proceeded onto Jane, who got doubly owned cuz she needed 5-6 rounds. HAHA sorry Jane.).

But as I got up, the sorrow consumed me. But just for a moment. I would not give it any more than that. For the sake of my makeup and for those around me, I forced myself to stop.

So about.. 2-3 hours after dinner, I checked my stomach and lo and behold, a bruise the size of a Kennedy coin has developed, and another quarter-sized one on the left side of my ribs.

But just before we all separated and it was time for them to leave, Samoneem said to me, when you come back in the summertime, we'll do it everynight. O_____O

Haha. You know, even though it hurt like CRAZY, I know that it's all pain that God wants to heal me from. So... I fear, but welcome it. BRING ON THE PAIN.

Now, even though it sounds horrendous.. it's actually really funny watching from the sidelines. Here's a peek at what this whole thing looked like. HEHE. I love you, Christine. =)

If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

2009-02-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, I'm getting addicted to blogging! noOoOooOOo... but I like it. heh hehh...
but ANYWAY, I was reading a devo that my good friend John Cadengo wrote, and I wanted to share with you all too.

John (Cadengo, not the ones in the Bible) writes:
In Ephesians chapter one Paul says, "In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."

The Holy Spirit is the guarantee of our inheritance: the assurance of God's promise to us. We know that God will fulfill his Word because he gave us the Holy Spirit. God created marriage so that we may understand and know the type of relationship that Christ has to the Church: that is, Christ is the Groom and the Church is His Bride. Now, in a marriage the Groom always proposes to the Bride with a Promise, with a Ring. That Ring, that guarantee and symbol of the faithfulness that God has for us is the Holy Spirit. Then, what does God require of us in loving kindness? We are meant to shine out as lights of love in this world. We are called to demonstrate and declare the kind of love that God has for us to others.

Thinking about the Holy Spirit as my "spawklwing diamond" (name that movie!), it gives me a lighthearted joy that I almost forgot about. I went on a honeymoon with the Holy Spirit at House of Sarang this past summer, where I truly got to enjoy, get blessed by, and hang with the Holy Spirit all day, all night. But coming back to America, I let the love and intimacy fade away, as America does to many things. (hehe. jk.)

A lot of times, when we think of God, we either see Him as 1. God the Father, Creator, Provider, Almighty, Yahweh, (etc.) or as 2. Jesus, Sweet Lamb, Ultimate Sacrifice, Giver of Grace and Salvation.

And of course, these views of God are true and absolutely necessary, but more often than not, we don't look at the complete picture. There's a whole chunk of God that a lot of us don't give homage to. The Holy Spirit plays a HUGE role in our lives. He../she../it... is the KEY to our understanding of the Word and fellowship with Christ and the Father. He is our incomprehensibly, graciously given 10^INFINITY(th power)-CARAT DIAMOND RING! But, we forget about Him. We don't give him the MAD props he deserves.

Even though he is invisible, he shines far crazier than a diamond ever could. No, he BLAAAAZES, RADIATES God's Glory. It's as if God gave us a magical.. cloak of invisibility (heh heh). Waay cooler than a ring. God likes us, so he put a ring on it. HAHA. But he did FAARRR greater than that. He LOVES us, so he wrapped us up in the Holy Spirit. A covering for our whole lives/souls/hearts, not just a puny little finger.

And you know, when/if I get married, I can imagine how happy I'd be to show off my ring (regardless of its size), but thinking about showing off the Holy Spirit should be so much sweeter. Imagine having a BEAUTIFUL diamond the size of .. your house.. that no one could ever, ever steal from you. Wouldn't you want to show that off? Wouldn't you want others to ask you about it, crave it for themselves? (and then BAM! gospel attack! how great would that be.)

But alas, a lot of times, instead, we hide Him. We forget we're even wearing a cloak of invisibility. We're supposed to live life, DRUNK off the Holy Spirit, but instead we live extremely sober, cold, hardhearted, societally-conformed lives.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO US ALL!
We have to live SATURATED in the Word and in the Spirit. and I mean saturated. Impregnated, completely filled to the brim and beyond. and OF COURSE, I am faaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr from this, but I'm hoping to try. And there is hope because God can do it through His Holy Spirit.

And as pitiful, weak sinners, we all need accountability. I need your help. Keep me in check. Let me know when I'm being stupid, irrational, misrepresenting who Jesus is. (but do so with love, please.) And if you'll let me, I'd like to help you too (whoever you are, reader.).

So I guess this entry actually happens to fit in perfectly with Valentine's Day (I didn't mean for that to happen), so let's all remember our belooooved, amazing husband and show off the big FATTY rock he gave us to show off.

Still puzzled?

2009-02-13T23:39:00.001-08:00

Weelll, I know that no one will be able to guess the movie (btw, Hera, you lose), sooo drumroll please...
brddrdrdrdrdr... (how would you type that..?)
The answer is....

The King and I!

In case anyone wants to see the clips, here they are. I don't think anyone will appreciate them though. It's one of those movies you had to have watched from childhood or else they're just odd, maybe even boring.

For example, Sound of Music, Star Wars, Little Women, West Side Story... (and the list goes on)

It's quite tragic though. Such delightful movies gone underappreciated.
But it's okay because I can love and enjoy them on my own.

Tis a Puzzlement.

2009-02-13T02:56:00.000-08:00

Why "Tis a Puzzlement?" ... I don't know.

It was honestly the first thing that popped into my head, so I'll just keep it until something better comes along. But can anyone guess where that line is from? If so, I'll give you MAAAAD brownie points.

But anyway, I have decided to follow the slowgoing trend by hopping onto the blogging train. The Xanga train has crashed and burned for a long time now, so I suppose it's time for something new.

Now let me share with you my inspirations for creating this blog:

1. It has been such a convenient and pleasant way to stay updated with people when they were/are away. You know who you are. ;)

2. Blogs really show what's going on in a person's mind (well, actually what the person chooses to put out into the public realm, but you know what I mean). There is so much going on in each person's life, and blogs often provide a way to see beyond the typical, superficial "I'm fine's" and "Nothing much's." They really give you a chance to delve deeper into their lives, if you'll only read.

3. Most importantly, my brain has been turning to mush (like the Hulu commercial). I've been getting so busy that my life seems to be running on auto-pilot -just thoughtlessly moving from one thing to the next. I've really been missing out on and craving true, penetrating, life-changing introspection these days. Not that blogging will give me that, but my mind needs some exercisin and blogging may prove to be a good workout.

Now I'm not going to be ambitious and say that I'll be posting everyday or anything like that. I'm not sure how committed I'll be to this blog (esp. because I was pretty unfaithful to my xanga), but... we'll see how it goes.

I have midterms and assignments galore this and next week, so.. I'll more than likely post again soon to run away from all the bacterial cell walls, peptidoglycan, Bacillus subtilis, and Escherichia coli (which I spelled Eschieriscia on my lab quiz. ugh. dumb dumb. -___-).

But until then, "you are precisely, my cup of tea." (there's another hint for the title.)

Still don't know, do you?