I used to be content with just being in SoCal, sure, I wanted to travel to nice places, but it was definitely low on my priority list.
But nowadays, I REALLY want to go somewhere. anywhere. everywhere.
I've only ever seen the boring parts of the west coast (only the national parks)- Idaho, Montana, Utah... you get the point. Outside of the States, I've been to Mexico, Korea, India, and China, but in China, I've never even stepped outside of Yanji. And that is it.
I want to see and experience the rest of the world, or even the rest of the US would be more than GREAT.
I want to go on cross-country road trips, and I want to go on the (failed) west-coast road trip. And I wanna go see Canada, New York, Boston, Chicago, Baltimore. I want to see what a real autumn is supposed to look like. Feel what a real winter feels like.
I want to see ALL of Europe. I want to travel China- Beijing, Hong Kong, Changchun, Xi'an. I want to see Southeast Asia. I want to go to Australia! (That one has been my dream since 2nd grade). I want to play in Japan.
Most of all, I want to go back to House of Sarang.
But all of this requires time, and more importantly, loads and loads of money. But these I do not have.
Sigh.....someday...... =\
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Who Am I?
I have always been a shy person, but I knew I would have to break out of my shell in order to survive college. So I did, and apparently, so much so that people believed me to be an extrovert. They couldn't believe I was ever shy and it would really give me a little bit of an identity crisis. My whole life, "shy" was always one of the top 3 characteristics I would use to describe myself. It was even in my screenname from 7th to 12th grade. (..heheh.=X)
But post-grad life has been a time of reconciling who I was, and who I became, in order to direct who I will become. And of course, this reconciliation extends into every aspect of my life, not just this one personality trait (as I'm sure it is/has/will for everyone else).
Now that college is over, I have really been settling back into my introverted ways and I keep catching myself doing it. But now that I've seen what it's like being on both sides of the E-I scale, the question is, am I just going back to who I am, or could it be something else?
Is it that one side is closer to my redeemed self, and one is closer to my natural, sin-rooted side? How could I ever even know whether one way is better than another if they both have their pros and cons? Who is it that God wants me to be?
On a similar note, I always thought I was a very open person, and that I would tell anyone anything. And yeah, sometimes I may, but more and more, I find myself withholding my struggles and my life from others. And this also makes me wonder if it's because of this time of my life or if it is just a part of who I am.
At CCH retreat, Pastor Jeney Park-Hearn gave a seminar about our lost self, false self, and disowned self. And it's complicated, so.. I won't explain here.
But even if I do sort myself out and I understand the aspects of my identity, what then? How does it go on from there?
Who is my whole self? How do I get to that point? Can I ever?
But post-grad life has been a time of reconciling who I was, and who I became, in order to direct who I will become. And of course, this reconciliation extends into every aspect of my life, not just this one personality trait (as I'm sure it is/has/will for everyone else).
Now that college is over, I have really been settling back into my introverted ways and I keep catching myself doing it. But now that I've seen what it's like being on both sides of the E-I scale, the question is, am I just going back to who I am, or could it be something else?
Is it that one side is closer to my redeemed self, and one is closer to my natural, sin-rooted side? How could I ever even know whether one way is better than another if they both have their pros and cons? Who is it that God wants me to be?
On a similar note, I always thought I was a very open person, and that I would tell anyone anything. And yeah, sometimes I may, but more and more, I find myself withholding my struggles and my life from others. And this also makes me wonder if it's because of this time of my life or if it is just a part of who I am.
At CCH retreat, Pastor Jeney Park-Hearn gave a seminar about our lost self, false self, and disowned self. And it's complicated, so.. I won't explain here.
But even if I do sort myself out and I understand the aspects of my identity, what then? How does it go on from there?
Who is my whole self? How do I get to that point? Can I ever?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
A Godsend
Have you ever been in a situation where you meet someone, and you KNOW that that person is sent to you as a gift from God? A "helloOo, don't you remember? I am your father and your husband and I will always provide, no matter how faithless you can be."
So of course, there are several people in my life like that, but there is someone that I MUST write about because God is using this woman to bless me over, and over, and over again and I am so grateful.
First, she was the one who helped me clearly understand my post-bacc situation -she gave it to me straight, but with kindness and realistic optimism. She told me exactly what I would have to do, and when, and then she even suggested other professors and administrators I could talk to. And even though things didn't work out, I know that God really used her to grant me peace before leaving for House of Sarang.
Then post-missions, post-CSULA failure (so about a week ago), I was really feeling hopeless. But after stirring up some courage, I sent out some emails for job postings and research positions, and I decided to email her too, just in case.
Turns out, she showed me kindness yet again, and was totally willing to let me volunteer. We met up yesterday and she set me up on a project with her and this other girl. She took the time to explain everything to us very thoroughly so that I can get the most out of the experience.
Then on top of that, when I mentioned that I was planning on job-shadowing, she told me about her dentist, and said she would give him a call. And she followed through immediately -she sent me an email just a couple hours ago. She told him about me, and that I can call to arrange to meet him! And I had really been scared of actively going out there to find a dentist to shadow, but thanks to this woman, she has helped push me out of my fear and passivity.
WOW.
And all of this happened within the TWO times that I met her. All together now, WOW.
Seriously, she is SO nice, SO encouraging, SO helpful. It really blows me away (so much so that I HAD to post about her)! She seriously reminds me of all the great elementary school teachers I've ever had. Middle-aged white women who just pour out love and care on needy children like myself. But it's amazing because she's a college professor. You can tell she loves what she does, that she has genuine concern for others, and most importantly, that she hasn't been jaded, unlike most teachers who get more and more jaded as you move onto higher levels of education.
It is SO refreshing to feel so cared for and to meet someone so awesome. And the thing is, it really isn't like she's throwing me freebies. I can feel that she has respect for me as a young adult, and that she knows I am a capable individual. I had lost so much confidence in my abilities throughout college, but I really feel renewed. It's really great to be reminded of how many good people there are out in the world.
Thank you God, and thank you, Dr. Sharp.
I look forward to a great quarter of working with you. Even though it is an unpaid position, it is totally worth it.
(Now it's just a matter of starting to study for the DATs.... O_O)
So of course, there are several people in my life like that, but there is someone that I MUST write about because God is using this woman to bless me over, and over, and over again and I am so grateful.
First, she was the one who helped me clearly understand my post-bacc situation -she gave it to me straight, but with kindness and realistic optimism. She told me exactly what I would have to do, and when, and then she even suggested other professors and administrators I could talk to. And even though things didn't work out, I know that God really used her to grant me peace before leaving for House of Sarang.
Then post-missions, post-CSULA failure (so about a week ago), I was really feeling hopeless. But after stirring up some courage, I sent out some emails for job postings and research positions, and I decided to email her too, just in case.
Turns out, she showed me kindness yet again, and was totally willing to let me volunteer. We met up yesterday and she set me up on a project with her and this other girl. She took the time to explain everything to us very thoroughly so that I can get the most out of the experience.
Then on top of that, when I mentioned that I was planning on job-shadowing, she told me about her dentist, and said she would give him a call. And she followed through immediately -she sent me an email just a couple hours ago. She told him about me, and that I can call to arrange to meet him! And I had really been scared of actively going out there to find a dentist to shadow, but thanks to this woman, she has helped push me out of my fear and passivity.
WOW.
And all of this happened within the TWO times that I met her. All together now, WOW.
Seriously, she is SO nice, SO encouraging, SO helpful. It really blows me away (so much so that I HAD to post about her)! She seriously reminds me of all the great elementary school teachers I've ever had. Middle-aged white women who just pour out love and care on needy children like myself. But it's amazing because she's a college professor. You can tell she loves what she does, that she has genuine concern for others, and most importantly, that she hasn't been jaded, unlike most teachers who get more and more jaded as you move onto higher levels of education.
It is SO refreshing to feel so cared for and to meet someone so awesome. And the thing is, it really isn't like she's throwing me freebies. I can feel that she has respect for me as a young adult, and that she knows I am a capable individual. I had lost so much confidence in my abilities throughout college, but I really feel renewed. It's really great to be reminded of how many good people there are out in the world.
Thank you God, and thank you, Dr. Sharp.
I look forward to a great quarter of working with you. Even though it is an unpaid position, it is totally worth it.
(Now it's just a matter of starting to study for the DATs.... O_O)
nothing else i can say
(eh, eh.. cherry cherry boom boom)
but anyway, this always happens to me, as i'm sure it does to many failing-bloggers -whenever i get some revelation, read something that rocks my world, find something great, or whatever the case may be, i think "ooh. this would make a PERFECT blog entry"
and then i never get around to it.
and so continues the saga of my blog-failures.
does that even make sense. i dont know. i'm tired.
but anyway, this always happens to me, as i'm sure it does to many failing-bloggers -whenever i get some revelation, read something that rocks my world, find something great, or whatever the case may be, i think "ooh. this would make a PERFECT blog entry"
and then i never get around to it.
and so continues the saga of my blog-failures.
does that even make sense. i dont know. i'm tired.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Next Chapter...
It has been nearly 5 months since graduation, but with 4 months of vacation time, China, and taking some time to debrief, I had been spared from dealing with "real life" for quite some time.
Coming back to America to all the changes that come with post-college life (plus the added weight of House of Sarang withdrawal) has proved difficult, particularly because my life is no longer set on a clear cut path. Yeah, it would have been great to go directly into dental school, law school, pharm school, a stable job, blah blah blah, but I'm really glad for this time of uncertainty because I know I didn't prematurely commit myself to a plan I may not have been ready for.
I was once a slave to the train of thought that you MUST go directly from high school, to college, to professional school, to work, to marriage, to children -no breaks, no deviations. In high school, I never once dreamt of straying from this path for fear of the uncertain. Culture, schools, family, and life dictated exactly that formula and it was too scary to consider other options. And honestly, living life with such burdens can be suffocating.
I admit that I am in my current position mostly because I wasn't focused enough during college. I let myself fall off that path and had to cope with it one way or another, but God has really been showing me for the past few years, and even more so now, that it is nowhere near the worst thing in the world.
Honestly, it's refreshing to be free from school for once -not being tied down by the chains of expectations. And for once, I feel free to dream about new possibilities. Not to say that I'm throwing my former plans out the window, but I love being able to see outside the mold I had been stuck in for so long because there is soo much more to life than fulfilling "the American Dream."
The war is still waging between my old and new selves, and I don't think I'll ever be completely free from the way I was trained to think, but I know that once I get through this, my convictions and motivations will be deeper and more honest.
This season of my life is really helping me reassess my goals and relationships. I definitely do not have all the answers, I actually kind of don't have any. But of course, with God on my side, I know I will find some way in life. Without that comfort, I would truly be lost.
Coming back to America to all the changes that come with post-college life (plus the added weight of House of Sarang withdrawal) has proved difficult, particularly because my life is no longer set on a clear cut path. Yeah, it would have been great to go directly into dental school, law school, pharm school, a stable job, blah blah blah, but I'm really glad for this time of uncertainty because I know I didn't prematurely commit myself to a plan I may not have been ready for.
I was once a slave to the train of thought that you MUST go directly from high school, to college, to professional school, to work, to marriage, to children -no breaks, no deviations. In high school, I never once dreamt of straying from this path for fear of the uncertain. Culture, schools, family, and life dictated exactly that formula and it was too scary to consider other options. And honestly, living life with such burdens can be suffocating.
I admit that I am in my current position mostly because I wasn't focused enough during college. I let myself fall off that path and had to cope with it one way or another, but God has really been showing me for the past few years, and even more so now, that it is nowhere near the worst thing in the world.
Honestly, it's refreshing to be free from school for once -not being tied down by the chains of expectations. And for once, I feel free to dream about new possibilities. Not to say that I'm throwing my former plans out the window, but I love being able to see outside the mold I had been stuck in for so long because there is soo much more to life than fulfilling "the American Dream."
The war is still waging between my old and new selves, and I don't think I'll ever be completely free from the way I was trained to think, but I know that once I get through this, my convictions and motivations will be deeper and more honest.
This season of my life is really helping me reassess my goals and relationships. I definitely do not have all the answers, I actually kind of don't have any. But of course, with God on my side, I know I will find some way in life. Without that comfort, I would truly be lost.
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