It has been nearly 5 months since graduation, but with 4 months of vacation time, China, and taking some time to debrief, I had been spared from dealing with "real life" for quite some time.
Coming back to America to all the changes that come with post-college life (plus the added weight of House of Sarang withdrawal) has proved difficult, particularly because my life is no longer set on a clear cut path. Yeah, it would have been great to go directly into dental school, law school, pharm school, a stable job, blah blah blah, but I'm really glad for this time of uncertainty because I know I didn't prematurely commit myself to a plan I may not have been ready for.
I was once a slave to the train of thought that you MUST go directly from high school, to college, to professional school, to work, to marriage, to children -no breaks, no deviations. In high school, I never once dreamt of straying from this path for fear of the uncertain. Culture, schools, family, and life dictated exactly that formula and it was too scary to consider other options. And honestly, living life with such burdens can be suffocating.
I admit that I am in my current position mostly because I wasn't focused enough during college. I let myself fall off that path and had to cope with it one way or another, but God has really been showing me for the past few years, and even more so now, that it is nowhere near the worst thing in the world.
Honestly, it's refreshing to be free from school for once -not being tied down by the chains of expectations. And for once, I feel free to dream about new possibilities. Not to say that I'm throwing my former plans out the window, but I love being able to see outside the mold I had been stuck in for so long because there is soo much more to life than fulfilling "the American Dream."
The war is still waging between my old and new selves, and I don't think I'll ever be completely free from the way I was trained to think, but I know that once I get through this, my convictions and motivations will be deeper and more honest.
This season of my life is really helping me reassess my goals and relationships. I definitely do not have all the answers, I actually kind of don't have any. But of course, with God on my side, I know I will find some way in life. Without that comfort, I would truly be lost.
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