i really can't commit myself to a blog.
i may go through certain times when i write somewhat consistently, but... meh. as much as i like the idea of journaling, it's not really in my nature to do so.
so random, sporadic blogging i will continue to do. (as i always have)

goodbye 2009. you kind of sucked.
filled with lots of highs, but more lows.

King vs. Pauper

Eat breakfast like a King (or Queen in my case), and dinner like a pauper.
My inner-pauper will have to battle hard to conquer the queen in her regal behavior.
But we shall see who shall prevail this weekend.

EDITED: upon further analysis and research,

forget that last post. i think i got it now.

EDIT: haha so I know I was extremely vague, but I didn't think anyone would be interested in my rambling. So here is my thought process/my plan:

I REALLLY only neeeeed a 0.01Science-GPA boost (at the bare minimum). So pulling out a $6000+ private loan for a 0.04 GPA boost (at USC) is just NOT worth it.
Also, as advised by Erica, community college, no matter how cheap, is out of the question.
So, I am banking on CSULA, but I will try to get UCLA and CSULA at the same time (Jan 4). I got advice that I should just stick with it, and keep going to class because people will continue to drop (hopefully).

But in the meantime, CSUN starts 2 weeks later, so if my chances at CSULA or UCLA aren't looking too good, then I'll try CSUN as well (same procedure/risk).

So there it is.
No real backup plan, but God, I hope it works out =(

kiiind of stressed. =(

So in order to raise my science GPA to a competitive state, I need to take 2 more bio classes.
Issue is, where, when, and will it be possible?

Option 1: the most expensive one =(
-Take both classes at USC (Jan-May)

Option 2: still expensive
-Take one class at USC, one class elsewhere-wherever I can

Option 3: the option I'm most hoping for,
-Take both classes at CSULA, UCLA, or a combo of the two. (ideally, Jan-March)

Option 4: cheapest, but least credible
-Take classes at a community college or two.

So I'm realllly hoping Option 3 works out, but it's the biggest gamble because I'm a sitting duck until January. But, by January, I need to have already registered for a community college, or for USC.

Option 4 is extremely tempting because it's 1/1000th the price of the other options, and siginificantly easier, of course. However, it would look much less legitimate on my transcripts.

Option 1 is the one that I could rely most on, but I would have to take out a FATTTYY loan, which pains my heart.

WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOO =(
maybe i'll register for everything and drop as need be...? but that complicates loan applications too.

GOD HELP ME.

and if you read this entry, can you help me too?

Wanderlust

I used to be content with just being in SoCal, sure, I wanted to travel to nice places, but it was definitely low on my priority list.

But nowadays, I REALLY want to go somewhere. anywhere. everywhere.
I've only ever seen the boring parts of the west coast (only the national parks)- Idaho, Montana, Utah... you get the point. Outside of the States, I've been to Mexico, Korea, India, and China, but in China, I've never even stepped outside of Yanji. And that is it.

I want to see and experience the rest of the world, or even the rest of the US would be more than GREAT.

I want to go on cross-country road trips, and I want to go on the (failed) west-coast road trip. And I wanna go see Canada, New York, Boston, Chicago, Baltimore. I want to see what a real autumn is supposed to look like. Feel what a real winter feels like.

I want to see ALL of Europe. I want to travel China- Beijing, Hong Kong, Changchun, Xi'an. I want to see Southeast Asia. I want to go to Australia! (That one has been my dream since 2nd grade). I want to play in Japan.

Most of all, I want to go back to House of Sarang.

But all of this requires time, and more importantly, loads and loads of money. But these I do not have.

Sigh.....someday...... =\

Who Am I?

I have always been a shy person, but I knew I would have to break out of my shell in order to survive college. So I did, and apparently, so much so that people believed me to be an extrovert. They couldn't believe I was ever shy and it would really give me a little bit of an identity crisis. My whole life, "shy" was always one of the top 3 characteristics I would use to describe myself. It was even in my screenname from 7th to 12th grade. (..heheh.=X)

But post-grad life has been a time of reconciling who I was, and who I became, in order to direct who I will become. And of course, this reconciliation extends into every aspect of my life, not just this one personality trait (as I'm sure it is/has/will for everyone else).

Now that college is over, I have really been settling back into my introverted ways and I keep catching myself doing it. But now that I've seen what it's like being on both sides of the E-I scale, the question is, am I just going back to who I am, or could it be something else?

Is it that one side is closer to my redeemed self, and one is closer to my natural, sin-rooted side? How could I ever even know whether one way is better than another if they both have their pros and cons? Who is it that God wants me to be?

On a similar note, I always thought I was a very open person, and that I would tell anyone anything. And yeah, sometimes I may, but more and more, I find myself withholding my struggles and my life from others. And this also makes me wonder if it's because of this time of my life or if it is just a part of who I am.

At CCH retreat, Pastor Jeney Park-Hearn gave a seminar about our lost self, false self, and disowned self. And it's complicated, so.. I won't explain here.

But even if I do sort myself out and I understand the aspects of my identity, what then? How does it go on from there?
Who is my whole self? How do I get to that point? Can I ever?

A Godsend

Have you ever been in a situation where you meet someone, and you KNOW that that person is sent to you as a gift from God? A "helloOo, don't you remember? I am your father and your husband and I will always provide, no matter how faithless you can be."

So of course, there are several people in my life like that, but there is someone that I MUST write about because God is using this woman to bless me over, and over, and over again and I am so grateful.

First, she was the one who helped me clearly understand my post-bacc situation -she gave it to me straight, but with kindness and realistic optimism. She told me exactly what I would have to do, and when, and then she even suggested other professors and administrators I could talk to. And even though things didn't work out, I know that God really used her to grant me peace before leaving for House of Sarang.

Then post-missions, post-CSULA failure (so about a week ago), I was really feeling hopeless. But after stirring up some courage, I sent out some emails for job postings and research positions, and I decided to email her too, just in case.

Turns out, she showed me kindness yet again, and was totally willing to let me volunteer. We met up yesterday and she set me up on a project with her and this other girl. She took the time to explain everything to us very thoroughly so that I can get the most out of the experience.

Then on top of that, when I mentioned that I was planning on job-shadowing, she told me about her dentist, and said she would give him a call. And she followed through immediately -she sent me an email just a couple hours ago. She told him about me, and that I can call to arrange to meet him! And I had really been scared of actively going out there to find a dentist to shadow, but thanks to this woman, she has helped push me out of my fear and passivity.

WOW.
And all of this happened within the TWO times that I met her. All together now, WOW.

Seriously, she is SO nice, SO encouraging, SO helpful. It really blows me away (so much so that I HAD to post about her)! She seriously reminds me of all the great elementary school teachers I've ever had. Middle-aged white women who just pour out love and care on needy children like myself. But it's amazing because she's a college professor. You can tell she loves what she does, that she has genuine concern for others, and most importantly, that she hasn't been jaded, unlike most teachers who get more and more jaded as you move onto higher levels of education.

It is SO refreshing to feel so cared for and to meet someone so awesome. And the thing is, it really isn't like she's throwing me freebies. I can feel that she has respect for me as a young adult, and that she knows I am a capable individual. I had lost so much confidence in my abilities throughout college, but I really feel renewed. It's really great to be reminded of how many good people there are out in the world.

Thank you God, and thank you, Dr. Sharp.
I look forward to a great quarter of working with you. Even though it is an unpaid position, it is totally worth it.

(Now it's just a matter of starting to study for the DATs.... O_O)